Today they said that my blood work was good.  That all numbers had dropped as expected and yay!!!! They will recheck next Wednesday and I will meet with the doctor again.  I am however tired of the doctors appointment in general.  There is one that is always at least forty five minutes late, but if I missed or was late I would owe an additional 35 dollars.  But whatever, I need them right now.  Ha.  Its been a trying day today. Mainly because I never went back to sleep so I have been up since 3:30.  Not used to whining, but now I know why my kids are so bad when they are sleepy.  They get it from me the honest way because I am tired to the point of will totally stab you!

4:00 in the morning

I do this all the time under normal circumstances, fall asleep at a perfectly acceptable hour and then wake up with my brain activity running rampant over the minutia of my day.  Nothing, nothing happened today.  There was sad news of a couple of friends who have definitely been added to my prayer/ wish/ positive vibe list.  And I did get to speak to a dear friend finally, just the sound of her voice is soothing to me. She's a peach y'all and knows it.  So here I sit and think about a whole lot of what I say is nothing.  Nothing that I can do about it anyway.  I spoke to the kids tonight and I am so proud of them (now we get to the root of insomnia).  The last time that report cards came out, Els had earned a c in math and Connor had two D's.  In els defense it was the first time she had earned less than a b.  Connor? No excuse for two Ds was allowed.  He owned it though, midterms came out yesterday and Els has straight A's again and the boy child also brought all up too.  I do wonder the effect that my illness played on the previous report as that was when I felt the worst.  The regrets I have are all related to my kids and the positive and negative influence I have on them.   Period.  I honestly thought that I would be a horrible parent and sometimes I feel like one.  I even have a sister that completely agreed with that assessment of my potential.  I've always bordered on selfish and quite frankly did not know if I could cure that in myself (haven't  completely and probably never will) but I have two of the brightest, polite, funny and gifted children that I know of. ( of course I do)!!!!!  They amaze and amuse me every day and I selfishly lap it up.  Maybe that's the answer to selfishness.  Take the gifts you get and shut up and enjoy them.

Short tonight due to tired but chemo ain't bad.  Small amount of atavan for anxiety.  That was good, then took around a 20 minute nap then watched Seinfeld reruns for the other meds and voila.  Took about four total he's this time.  Two weeks of blood work then another treatment.  Only side effect I've noticed us that I'm dizzy but not nauseous.  Good night

So I sat with what can only be described as my ride or die guy the other night, Sam or he's actually my midget wookie Dmitri.  But that's a different story.  We visited for a couple of hours and ended the evening telling fart stories.  Now I know technically girls are never supposed to acknowledge the fact that farts exist in an effort of femininity but cmon.  They are always funny and as I've mentioned my bowels are taking this really hard.  Haha.  So I got deep with thought about gas.  My first experience with extremely funny farts occurred when I was young.  I went out with my granny to a place in the Lexington mall I think it was called Morrison's but am never sure.  It was a buffet type place and she always loved it because of the sweet potato pie and cobbler. We were eating and there was this older gentleman sitting next to us and every few minutes he would just let the loudest fart and then say compliments to the cook.  By the time lunch was over granny and I were in tears with laughter and covered in sprite because I could never eat without spilling my drink.  I sometimes wonder if I am supposed to use this time for deep introspection or simply think about the things that me smile and 96 % of the time I'm going for a smile.  That's always been me.  Plus fart stories rule.

Tomorrow I begin chemotherapy.  I'm a little nervous but kind of excited to see what its like. Strange isn't it?  I like to see  developments in all forms of technology though so not too surprising to me.  The part that has surprised me so much is how fast steroids act in your body.  Those that really know me, know that I am vain as hell.  I like being and feeling attractive and it is both one of my stronger and weakest qualities.  I totally look like shrek right now.  There are swollen ankles and fingers and boobs and earlobes and a massive jawline.  I told my momma that ugly is new for me but would be a good learning experience.  She says what all good moms say....  You are beautiful but I totally have a mirror.  Lol.  Soon I will be rebuilt and stronger and kind of like the six million dollar woman but without the annoying sound of bionics thank god.  I miss my kids but am so happy that their school schedule is not interrupted.  I want their stuff to be as normal as possible and am so glad they have a good dad who supports their comfort and future as well as a wonderful step mom to hug if I can't.  If I could just perk up the energy a bit I really would feel good.  In time it will happen.  Don't know how I'll feel tomorrow but its all live and learn yet again.  Steroids are bad mmmmkay!  Water is refreshing but man I have to pee all the time today.  Probably going to nap now.

I have never blogged before and I am typically not a person that divulges personal information in a public forum.  However, recently and quite frankly my entire life literally changed overnight.  I woke up one Sunday and had no use of my left side.  I have a brain tumor and some cancer.  I am a little overwhelmed and a little terrified however I intend to treat this with a well used and sometimes bad sense of humor.  Warning.  I will make terrible jokes at my own expense but if you want to know about it I'm going to lay it out right here.  I am tired and on steroids so swollen and lazy like a blood engorged tick.  Yesterday so much hair fell out that I reminded myself of one of those really overacted bad runny mascara movie scenes that are so fantastic in black and white.  Maniacal laughter ensued.  I have for three years worked religiously to maintain a certain weight.  Fuck it.  I'm going to eat what I want right now.  Whenever I want it and for once not worry if rocky road is going too far.  Next week I might not be able to eat at all.  I made the decision to come home to my momma for treatment, as I am alone with my children normally and they are too young to drive me to treatment.  Hahaha.  I am happy with this decision even though it means we are not together during the week.  This is the only part I hate.  Being away from them daily and worried they are at least okay with the decision.  I miss friends too, but I have my momma and about a million family members to rely on and hey, they love me.  I have been in radiation for two weeks and it itches but its actually kind of cool and could turn me into spiderman. So hey I'll do it.  I find out what the rest of the plan is tomorrow.  After that.  We will see.  There is way more but its late and I'm on lots of medications that by the way completely destroy your bowel schedule. More tomorrow.